Help your child succeed

Parenting is one of the most difficult tasks any parent will face. Most of us want our children to be happy and to grow up to be successful in all their endeavors, but, if we're honest, we aren't always sure what to do to help make that happen. Here are a few suggestions.

Give them time for unstructured play. Many kid's lives are far too structured. They are involved in sports, dance, music classes, and the list goes on. None of these are bad things, but there must be some time for them to just be kids having fun. I played organized baseball growing up, but some of my best times was when we chose up teams at an empty field near our home and just played. No umpires, no parents, nothing but just a bunch of kids playing ball. Kids today need that same unstructured time to just have fun.

Recognize that each child is different. Do not expect each of your children to like the same things or want to do the same things. Some will be more athletic while others are more studious. I have a brother who is very good playing the guitar; I'm lucky to turn on a radio. As a child I took about three piano lessons when the teacher refused to come back. She told my mother that she (the teacher) was wasting her time and my mother was wasting her money. Let your children be who they are and don't try to force them into any mold.

Eliminate performance pressure. Too many parents push their children to live the parent's dreams, and if they don't measure up they can sense their parent's disappointment. When I coached in our Park Department's baseball league I watched another coach, the boys' father, berate the child in the dugout for a mistake he had made until the boy broke out in tears. I don't believe the boy ever played baseball again after that season. Why should he? He could never measure up to the standards his father set for him so why bother?

Give the child chores. I know chores is an old-fashioned word so use whatever word you want. Children need responsibility. Growing up on a farm I had chores that I was expected to do regardless of what else I might want to do. They were not optional. Talk about preparing me for the real world when real employers expect their employees to do their work! Never give a child an allowance. Pay them for doing their chores, and if they fail to complete their assigned duties they don't get paid. Again, a valuable life lesson.

Control TV and social media. This may be the most challenging of anything on the list. It appears that many young people will have their fingerprints wore off their thumbs by the time they are 20 as much time as they spend on their phones, playing games and on social media. Many people would be shocked to learn how some of the most well-known people in the technology world strictly limits the amount of time their children are allowed to use computers and be on social media.

Give them unconditional love. No child should feel they must earn the love of their parents. A child who feels he or she must earn the love of their parents is at risk for making some really bad choices later in life. Even during those times when you must punish bad behavior they should know that you love them and always will love them.

Finally, help them recognize that there is a God who loves them very much. Studies find that children with a strong religious faith make fewer bad decisions that can cause them pain and difficulty. I'm thankful that my parents raised me in church. There came a time in my early twenties when I was not making the best decisions and was paying the price for them. Because of the faith I had found earlier in life I was able to turn things around. I sometimes wonder what would have happened if I had not had that faith to return to.

We almost always have more than two options

It may be hard for some people to believe since we live in an age of superstores, but I can remember shopping for groceries in a store that had two aisles. You entered through the door and walked down one aisle with shelves on both sides, the meat counter was at the back where you turned and went down the second aisle with shelves on both sides. At the end of that aisle was the cash register. The amazing thing was that you get all the groceries you needed for the week. Now, of course, there were not 15 different choices for ketchup and 100 different flavors of salad dressing, but we didn't expect such a variety of choices back then. We just wanted groceries, and this little store provided that.

Most of us want more options today when we buy groceries than that store could provide, but at the same time we often limit ourselves to two options when we are trying to make a decision about something. We think it has to be this or that. We limit our thinking to either/or and feel trapped when neither choice seems to work or if we really don't like either choice. The fact is, there are almost always more than two options if we take time to think about it.

When we adopt an either/or mindset we really do fall into a trap that often does not end well. Even if one of those options does work, that does not mean that it was the best option. There may have been another choice we could have made that would have worked out even better for us if we had only considered it rather than focusing on the two choices we thought we had.

I suggest that when you are considering a major decision that you spend sufficient time to identify as many options as possible. Talk with trusted friends about the decision you are making and ask for their input. They very well may introduce an option you had not even considered. You can add it to your written list. This might be a good time to bring a life coach into your life to help you identify additional options. When you have compiled a list of several alternatives you are ready to begin giving each of them more thought to identify the one that would be the best choice.

There is a danger in this advice. We can spend too much time doing this and overthink the matter. This is often called "analysis paralysis" where we get so caught up in thinking about a matter that we never made a decision. This can be the result of the fear of making a wrong decision so we overcome that fear by making no decision. This unwillingness to choose is dangerous to anyone but especially for those in leadership positions. There comes a point where one must stop the analysis and make a decision. 

Just don't limit yourself to considering only two options when you need to make a decision about some matter. There are usually more options than that and as you identify them your likelihood of making a better decision will be higher.

Choose to live like a millionaire

For those of us who are not millionaires we are likely to have a lot of wrong ideas about how millionaires live. We imagine they live in absolute luxury with the freedom to do anything they please. No doubt wealth does give them opportunities that many of us may never experience, but many of us would be surprised at how many millionaires truly live. There have been some interesting books written about the millionaire lifestyle such as The Millionaire Next Door: The Surprising Secrets of America's Wealthy and Stop Acting Rich: ...And Start Living Like A Real Millionaire by Thomas Stanley. Those books, and similar ones, find that most millionaires live well below their means and are much more interested in financial independence than they are in impressing other people.

For instance, they spend far less for clothing, watches, homes and cars that the average person thinks they do. Living on credit and spending more than you make guarantees you will never be wealthy. One does not enjoy financial independence by paying on credit cards every month. Besides, that makes the individual a slave to his or her paycheck which eliminates other opportunities to build wealth. When one lives below their means it gives them margin in their lives so they can make career moves such as starting a new business.

A second characteristic of millionaires is that many of them find side hustles. They may have a hobby that can become income-producing. Some, while working their regular job, begin investing in rental income buying first one property and later adding to that as opportunities present themselves. That can't be done if you are already spending more than you are making. Others find other side jobs that can earn them money that can be invested and benefit from the magic of compound interest.

It is a fact that many millionaires are self-employed with some researchers claiming that over 40 percent of millionaires fall into that category. One researcher found that self-employed millionaires had over 1.5 times the median income that those who work for other people.

Another common trait of millionaires is that they like to read. They do not read much fiction, but instead they focus on reading books that will help them become more successful in their chosen fields. One of the wealthiest men in the world, billionaire Warren Buffett, said when he was starting out he would read 600-1,000 pages a day. Even now he spends as much as 80 percent of his day reading. He advises anyone who wants to be successful to read at least 500 pages a day of books that will help you achieve the goals you want to achieve.

Perhaps you have no interest in being a millionaire. But, I bet you do want financial security in your life. Today, few people approach retirement with enough money to comfortably retire, but that does not have to be you. Follow the examples of those who achieved financial security, and one day you'll be enjoying the benefits of that same security.

Refuse to remain stuck

I meet so many people who are stuck in their lives. They are dissatisfied with their careers, their relationships, their finances, their health and just about everything else in their lives, but they never do anything to change. As the old sayings goes: Keep doing the same thing you've been doing and you'll keep getting the same results. If what you are doing in some area of your life isn't working, do something different.

When I tell people that they sometimes respond that they don't know what they could do. That's an honest response, but it indicates that they either haven't given any alternatives much thought or they need someone to guide them through the process. Often, it's the latter. The fact is, most people know what they need to do but they need someone like a coach to pull that out of them and help them put it into action.

Several years ago I was at a crossroads in my life trying to decide between two alternatives. Both of them were good, but I was trying to decide if one was better than the other. My employer at the times had contracted with a coaching firm to teach us how to coach others, and part of that training was several months of personal coaching. I took advantage of that and shared my confusion with my coach. She helped me work through the process of deciding which option was best. Because of that coaching experience I decided to go ahead and pursue my doctorate, and I've always been glad I did. It turned out to be an excellent decision.

Jump ahead a few years and I'm talking with a young pastor who is concerned about his future. He isn't sure what he would do if he had to leave the ministry or if he was forced to become bivocational and seek another job to pay the bills while remaining in ministry. All of his training was to prepare himself for ministry, and he didn't know what other career he might pursue.

As I sat there using the coaching techniques I had been taught, he was reminded that he initially went to college to enter teaching. It wasn't until later in college that he felt called into the ministry. He also realized he still had a passion for teaching. Much of his pastoral work was teaching. Now, he had options. If he decided to go bivocational he could do substitute teaching in the local school system or look into teaching online for any number of schools. If he left the ministry he could go back and finish what he needed for a teaching certificate and go into teaching full-time. He was no longer stuck but now had options. What is amazing is that it took less than 90 minutes to discover those options.

If you are feeling stuck, you may need a coach to help you process your options. Much coaching is done over the telephone. My coach was based in Georgia and we talked twice a month on the phone. I've coached persons in Canada and around the country. You may be able to find someone nearby where you can meet or you can be coached over the phone. If you like, feel free to contact me. We can discuss your situation and see if coaching would be right for you. The main thing is to refuse to remain stuck.

You only get one chance at life

As I watch the news each evening I am often saddened at what people experience in life and the things they do to themselves. We may not have much control over things that other people do to us or some events that happen, but we do have control over many of the things that occur in our lives, especially as adults. When we make bad choices in life we can expect bad results. For some people, that sums up much of their lives. One poor choice after another resulting in one bad result after another. Life is too short to live like that. You only get one chance at life so why not make the best of it?

There are people living their entire lives on government assistance. In fact, there are generations of families who know nothing but waiting each month for their government check to come in to provide them with subsistence living. Why would anyone choose to live like that? Right now a lot of businesses are closed and people are out of work, but this is an unusual situation brought about by a pandemic. But, even now, there are jobs for people who want to work. You say, "Not where I live." Then move. During the Great Depression people moved across the country seeking employment and taking whatever jobs they could find to support themselves and their families. You may say, "I don't have the training." Many of these jobs will train the person who wants to work. A friend of mine told me a couple of years ago he couldn't fill all the open jobs in his company. When I asked if people lacked training he explained he would gladly train someone.

Perhaps you have a physical reason that makes it difficult t work. Read the book What's Your Excuse?: Making the Most of What You Have by John Foppe. He was born with no arms but graduated college in 3 1/2 years, became an artist and travels the world as a motivational speaker. Refusing to allow his handicap define him, he was determined to honor God with his life. This past weekend I saw a similar example. At an auction I noticed a man missing both arms and one leg. I learned he was born that way. He was walking around the auction buying parts he could use in his business. He bought a lot leading me to think he has a pretty solid business. He and Foppe both understand they only have one life, and they are determined to live it the best they can.

How many people do you know holding hatred and unforgiveness towards other people? What a horrible way to live out the remainder of your life. Your unforgiveness doesn't affect them one bit, but it does a lot of emotional and physical damage to you. Let it go so you can be free to enjoy life.

We may never know the damage that has been to countless lives and families due to drug and alcohol abuse. The broken marriages, the lost jobs, the deaths, the crime, the pain brought about by these substances cannot be truly measured. Lives wasted by persons waiting for their next fix or their next drink run into the millions around the world. All seeking a high that will never satisfy. You only get one chance at life so why waste it on something so temporal?

I want to encourage you to consider the choices you've made in the past. Probably some of them weren't very good. I know that's true for me. But, what is more important that the choices you've made in the past are the ones you will make in the future. If you make better choices you will get better results, and that one life you've been given will be richer and more satisfying for it.

You don't have a problem

Somewhere I read a statement that has helped me more times than I can count. The statement was, "You don't have a problem, you have a decision to make." That is so often the truth. We get stuck worrying about problems when the reality is that we don't want to made a decision. We want somehow for the problem to go away without us having to make a tough decision, but it seldom works out that way. We remain stuck as long as we refuse to make the decision, and then we find out we have to make the decision anyway.

Like many of you this past Memorial Day weekend I watched some old military movies. One that I watched is also one of my favorites. As a Navy vet I enjoy watching Midway, a movie about how the US Navy defeated the Japanese Navy at Midway. Each side was deploying their best strategies, and the outcome was based on who had the best strategy, but it also depended on who made the best decisions. One of the scenes that jumped out at me in my latest viewing of this movie was when  Admiral Nimitz had to decide whether or not to send his remaining aircraft carriers to Midway or hold them back to protect Hawaii and the west coast of America. In the movie, he doesn't hesitate but orders them to Midway. Now, I don't know how historical this scene is, but what impressed me was his willingness to make a major decision and act upon it. Lesser individuals would have sat around and worried about a decision of this type.

No one wants to make a bad decision. I get that. But, we also can't allow problems to fester while we refuse to make a decision either.

If you find yourself  stuck worrying about a problem you may need someone to help you think through the best possible solution to the problem. I have found that often we already know what we need to do about the problems that worry us the most. It's that we don't want to make the hard decision to go ahead and resolve the problem. When we find ourselves in that situation, we need someone to help walk us through the problem so we can identify some possible solutions. That might be a spouse, a pastor, a friend, a coach, a consultant, a mentor or someone else you trust.

When I was working on my doctorate my project was to coach a number of pastors to determine if coaching could help them address some of the issues surrounding ministry. Six people were selected from across the US and each of them were given six coaching sessions over a three month period. They were allowed to identify the issue each coaching session would address. We were able to successfully resolve several of the issues they presented in that short period of time by focusing on solutions rather than the problem. As a coach, I helped them identify possible decisions they could make that would resolve the problem. We then identified intentional steps they would take. In some cases, problems that had been troubling them for extended periods of time were resolved within weeks. Each of them were required to write a short paper on the impact of the coaching they received on their lives and ministries which would be included in my thesis. All six of them stated that their coaching had been highly beneficial.

Perhaps you are struggling with a problem that has caused you a lot of stress and, maybe, some sleepless nights. If you think a coach could help you resolve that problem, feel free to contact me. I do charge a fee for my services, but you'll find that my fees are less than what many coaches charge. I ask for a three-month commitment to begin with as it takes that long to really establish a relationship between the coach and the person to be coached. There's no commitment required beyond the initial three months. The agreement can end there or can be extended if additional coaching will be helpful.

You don't have to live your life stuck. Your problems do not have to identify you or limit your future progress any longer. Many have found coaching to be helpful to move on in their lives. You may find that to be true for you as well.

No decision is a decision

Being a leader, whether in business, politics, military, church, or in a family, requires people to make decisions. A business leader might have to decide whether or not to pursue a new product line not knowing if it will be successful or not. A politician often has to make difficult decisions that will do the most good for the most people. Military leaders, especially in times of war, have to make tough decisions about sending people into harm's way. Church leaders are often faced with difficult decisions that will affect their congregations. Family leaders have to make choices nearly every day about what will be best for the their family. The very nature of leadership is decision making.

There is a difference between being a leader and being in a leadership position. Leaders are not afraid to make a decision. It may not always prove to have been the best decision, but they will make a decision and act on it. Those merely in leadership positions will avoid making decisions as much as possible. The process frightens them. They might be wrong. Bad things might happen, and they will be blamed. So they settle for the status quo. They won't make a decision but let things play out on their own.

Unfortunately, not making a decision is making a decision. Sitting on the fence is making a decision. It is a decision to do nothing, to remain stuck in the status quo. It is to decide to remain in the rut in which you find yourself. I often like to remind people that a rut is nothing more than a grave with both ends kicked out. Organizations die in ruts. So do families. So do individuals. To live in a rut is not living; it is existing in an endless downward spiral.

Some people pursue leadership positions without the ability to actually provide leadership. They are managers. Now, there is nothing wrong with managers, except when a leader is needed. Managers make sure things are done correctly; leaders make sure the right things are done. Big difference. Managers spend time assessing which way the winds of popular opinion is blowing (like most politicians) while leaders are focused on leading the organization in the right path regardless of popular opinion.

Managers seldom have to make decisions, and the ones they do make are predetermined in the policy manual. They just have to follow instructions. Leaders often operate in uncharted waters. Our current pandemic is good evidence of this. We have faced things in recent weeks than no one living today had faced before. Decisions had to be made, often with inadequate and even incorrect information, and made quickly. It was easy to criticize the decisions after they were made, but the critics were not the ones who had to make the decisions. It's a lot easier to be an armchair quarterback than to be in the game.

If you are in a leadership position you have no choice but to made difficult decisions. You have to learn to live with those decisions, even the ones that later prove to have been wrong. The people in your organization and in your family depend on you to make decisions. If you cannot do so, you need to remove yourself from leadership. Let someone who can lead step into that role while you find one more suited for your personality and giftedness.