Why are so many people offended by everything?

 If someone says that something offends them it seems that the whole world has to stop to soothe the person's feelings. University campuses have "safe spaces" to protect the feelings of people who are hurt because someone said something that made them feel bad. Universities used to be places where persons heard opposing viewpoints as a way to help them be able to think for themselves and be prepared for life in the real world. That can't happen if students have to run to some safe space because someone said something that made them feel bad.

Safe spaces naturally led to the cancel culture where speakers are uninvited to speak on campuses because some group objects to their message. The speakers normally canceled are conservative speakers that people fear might say something that would offend the politically correct crowd. Because universities fear that persons protesting the speaker might cause damage or instigate violence they often give in the demands of a small group of people to cancel the speaker.

Of course, it's not only college students who are offended today. It seems everyone is offended by something or someone, and for some reason we seem to have found in the Constitution the right to not be offended.

Do things ever offend me? Of course. There are many things I find in our society that I find objectionable. I don't like the vulgarity that is so often found in public today. I don't like the divisions that exist in our country. I don't like the way Christians and their faith are marginalized by many in our society today. I'm offended that politicians believe we are too stupid to know when they are lying to us, and I'm even more offended that many in the media are willing to help them deceive the American public. There is much on television that I find offensive. I could go on, but I think I've made the point that there are things that offend me. The difference is how I respond to those things.

Just because things on TV offends me I don't demand that all televisions be destroyed or that I am given a safe space to stay until the offending program goes off. There is a knob on the TV that I can control. I can change the channel or leave the TV off completely. If I am offended by people in the news media I simply choose to not watch or listen to them. If I'm in a place where the language is offensive I simply leave. One way I've found to help slow down the divisions that exist in our country is to remember that I don't have to respond to every social media post with which I disagree. I have strong political and religious beliefs, but I don't hate someone who holds different beliefs. I don't try to silence them or prevent them from having an audience. I served in the Navy so that all Americans would have the right to hold the beliefs they have and to voice those beliefs.

When people demand protection from the things that offend them they are really saying that they are unable to control their emotions. Since they are unable to control their emotions they expect other people to eliminate whatever is bringing discomfort into their lives. It is another form of victim mentality. Everyone else is responsible for making them uncomfortable, so everyone else is responsible to stop doing that.

I encourage you to take responsibility for your life. We cannot control what people might say or do, but we can control how we respond. As we listen to people with whom we disagree sometimes we might learn something that will change how we think about certain things, or it can solidify the opinions we already held, and it will always give us insight into how they think and why they believe what they believe. It is when we listen to divergent ideas that we become more mature in our own thinking. Rather than immediately thinking how something offends you, begin to view the differences you encounter as growing opportunities.

Learn to think for yourself

One of the biggest problems facing America today is that not enough people think for themselves. Something is said on social media and too many people accept it as truth. They then share it with their friends and followers, and soon it becomes viral without anyone ever checking to see if it true or not. It then becomes a "truth" simply because so many believe it to be so.

Too many people let the news media think for them as well. A person's favorite news reporter gives a story and people believe that it is true. They don't bother checking the story. They make decisions based on 30-second sound bites that come through their televisions.  Every news story is spun to reflect the bias of the news reporter and/or the ownership of the particular media. This is true whether you watch CNN, MSNBC, Fox, or any of the mainstream media.

Not only do they spin the news to fit their personal biases, they determine which stories you will be allowed to hear. In the 21st century the media doesn't report the news; they make the news. Out of the thousands of things they could report on each day, they select a handful of stories to influence your opinion on matters they consider important. I would encourage anyone to read Breaking The News: How the Media Undermine American Democracy by James Fallows. A the time he wrote this book he was the editor of U. S. News and World Report. As a journalist, he understood how the system worked, and he was convinced today's news reporters do not seek to inform the public as much as they want to influence the public to their point of view. I found the book explained exactly why the public today mistrusts the news media so much. I can tell you that I used to watch a lot of news programs, but today I watch very little, and I question much of what is reported.

Being able to think for yourself is especially important as we continue into this election cycle. We will hear every night from the political pundits who will tell us that one candidate or another is leading in the polls or that one candidate cannot possibly win the election. As they repeat their mantra over and over some people will assume it's true. Don't be so sure. Fallows was especially critical of these political reporters. He said they can be consistently wrong and never held accountable. As an example he pointed to the many political reporters who kept saying that Bill Clinton's campaign was finished and he could not win the election. Of course, he did. The same thing happened in the last election as many of the same pundits who reported the demise of Clinton's campaign kept insisting that Trump could not possibly win the past election. Fallows writes, "For pundits there is no financial or professional penalty for being consistently wrong."

Of course, politics is not the only area in which you need to think for yourself. In many areas of life the majority is often wrong. People go into debt thinking this is the only way they can get the things they want without ever stopping to think that debt will prevent them from financial independence. Just because your broke brother-in-law buys a new car every five years and finances it for seven years doesn't mean that's the smart thing to do.

Many people reject Christianity and biblical teaching without ever studying it themselves. Some professor told them the Bible was full of myths so they go around telling others the Bible is full of myths without ever taking the time to determine if that's true. Someone else tells them there is no God so they believe there is no God without studying the matter for themselves.

I could continue to list other areas in our lives we need to learn to think for ourselves: marriage, the raise we raise our children, career choices, etc. Remember, it's your life. No one else can live it for you nor should you let anyone tell you how to live it or how to think about the things that are most important to a successful life. Learn to think for yourself and you will find your life will become much more rewarding.

Some people need to choose a new personality

A woman went shopping with her adult daughter and made the experience miserable for everyone. She was rude to the clerks who waited on them. She complained about everything throughout the day. Their last stop was to a shoe store. After trying on a few shoes she stomped out of the store. Once outside she turned to her daughter and demanded, "Did you see the look that salesperson gave me?" The daughter replied, "Mother, she didn't give you that look. You had it when you went into the store!"

We all know people like the mother. They are hypercritical, easily offended and angry about everything. They seem to go out of their way looking for something that will upset them. Unless they are complaining about something they can't be happy. It's a horrible way to live. If confronted, they will just respond that they are just being themselves. The good news is that it doesn't have to be permanent. We can change some aspects of our personality.

People spend vast sums of money on beauty treatments and plastic surgery to change some aspect of their physical appearance they don't like. No matter how much we change our physical appearance, our personality will still come out and show us for the person we are. A person may strive towards physical perfection, but if they maintain a sour personality they will still not be attractive.

Changing our personalities often means making small chances in our actions. For example, a person who is naturally an introvert is not likely to ever be the toast of the party. However, they can take steps to be more outgoing and engaging. My personality is very much that of an introvert. As I tell people, I can very easily blend into the wall paper at a social event, but I choose to not do that. I go to people and begin a conversation with them. It's not always easy, especially at first, but it's usually worth the effort.

A person who is very controlling can learn to let go and trust others to make good decisions for themselves. They can learn to delegate and trust people to complete their task.

Perhaps one of the hardest personality traits to change is anger. Angry people are those likely to insist that it's just the way they are. They can fly off the handle at the slightest provocation and expect everyone to be OK with that.  Angry people wonder why people avoid them and friends stop coming around. It's because people get tired of walking on eggshells around them afraid something they will say or do will set them off again.

Angry people can learn to control their anger. They can choose to respond better to triggers that previously would cause them to erupt.

The first step in getting a personality makeover is to identify the behaviors you need to change. If you're not sure where to start, ask someone who loves you enough to be honest with you. Once you identify the behavior that needs to change you can begin to think through the steps you need to take to make that change. None of this is going to happen overnight so be patient with yourself.

You may want to bring in some professional help, especially if your behaviors are having a negative impact on your life and/or your career. There's nothing wrong with bringing in a life coach or a counselor to help you work through the process you need to follow to change aspects of your personality. Having someone to hold you accountable will probably make the process go quicker and more smoothly.

No one has to feel trapped with a personality issue that is causing them problems. You can make adjustments to your personality if you choose to do so.

The choices we make, make us

Everyday we make numerous choices about what we will do and how we will act. But, one psychologist believes "that only about 5 percent of what we do in a given day is the outcome of conscious, deliberate choices we make, processed by that snowball on the tip of the iceberg that is human consciousness. The rest of our actions and behaviors are managed below the surface, by all sorts of learned yet now unconscious ways of intending and navigating the world...Aristotle called them 'second nature': because these are ways that we move in the world without thinking about it." This information comes from an excellent book titled You Are What You Love: The Spiritual Power of Habit by James K. A. Smith.

Earlier in the book Smith quotes another individual who tells us, "Your deepest desire...is the one manifested by your daily life and habits." Smith writes that "This is because our action - our doing - bubbles up from our loves, which, as we've observed, are habits we've acquired through the practices we're immersed in."

Most of the time, when we are confronted with choices to make we will make the ones that bring us the most satisfaction, the most pleasure, the most enjoyment, and we will continue making that choice for the same reasons. Eventually, we no longer have to make a conscious choice about the matter. That choice has become a habit that we now do without giving it much thought. That habit can then begin to control us and shape us into the person we become. This can be either a good thing or a bad thing.

Few, if any, drug addicts woke up one morning and decided to destroy their lives by becoming addicted to drugs. Someone offered them a drug, and they chose to consume it. As they continued to make the decision to use drugs one day they didn't have to make the decision any more. It was made for them the moment they woke up and their body began to cry out for the drug. The same thing occurs any time someone becomes addicted to a substance or a behavior. Perhaps millions of people are as addicted to their electronics and social media as a coke addict is addicted to cocaine.

On the other hand, one can choose to be a person filled with a positive outlook on life. Such a person radiates positive energy towards everyone he or she meets. This person maintains a positive outlook on life. These are choices a person can make, and as this choice is made consistently over time it eventually shapes the person into someone who is generally positive and upbeat about life.

Since our choices can make us into the person we become we need to be very careful about the choices we make. It is equally important to be careful about the people with whom we associate. It's very difficult to consistently make positive choices if we are hanging around with those who are not as careful about the choices they make.

I encourage you to first identify the person you want to be and then determine the choices you need to make to become that person. This will not happen overnight, but eventually the choices you make will make you into the person you will become.

You can make your life better or worse

Zig Ziglar was the greatest motivational speaker I ever heard. My daughter and I attended several motivational conferences where he spoke. He would open his seminar by asking two questions. The first question was “How many of you believe that regardless of how bad your personal, family, and business lives are at this moment there are things you could do to make them worse?” That always got a chuckle from the crowd.

His second question was “How many of you believe that regardless of how good your personal, family, and business lives are there are things you can do to make them better?”

He then made his point. “If you honestly do believe there is something you can do to make your life better or your life worse, you have reached a profound conclusion. Regardless of how good or bad my life is, there is something I can do to change it, and the choice is mine.” He was challenging each of us to take responsibility for our lives.

If you never heard him speak I highly recommend his book Over the Top: Moving from Survival to Stability, from Stability to Success, from Success to Significance. It contains much of the information he shared in his seminars.

We sometimes hear people talk about having a life-changing moment. Sometimes events do occur in our lives that forever changes our lives, but for the majority of us any changes that we experience will come through the choices we make. As I wrote yesterday, every choice carries a consequence, for good or bad, and those choices can eventually change our lives.

We are today what we decided we would be 5 years ago, 10 years ago, and even 20 years ago. In 5 years from now, 10 years from now, and 20 years from now we will be what we decide today that we want to be.

When you get up in the morning and look in the mirror, if you like what you see, congratulations, you’ve made good choices. But, if you don’t like the person looking back at you, if you don’t like where you are in life or who you’ve become, then you need to start making different choices. No one can change your life but yourself.

If it always easy to make those choices? No, but it also not easy living the way some people do. Broken marriages, constant financial worries, dead-end jobs, troubled children are not easy to live with either. If I want to do something difficult it would be to do whatever it took to improve my circumstances, not continue to live in them. Remember. . .the choice is yours.

Focus on changing one thing

When I was a pastor a young mother came to me with numerous problems that were causing a lot of difficulty. She described some of them to me and admitted she often felt overwhelmed by all the negative things that were going on in her life. She was confused about how to do anything to change her situation.

I asked her if she ever watched Star Wars movies. She admitted she did. I asked if she remembered when a ship would jump into hyperspace and how the movie would show all the stars flying past them at high rates of speed. She remembered that. I asked if that was how her problems seemed to her, that they were all flying towards her at one time, and as she tried to deal with them she felt overwhelmed. She stared at me and responded that was exactly how she felt. I explained that is why she felt so overwhelmed. It was impossible to deal with each of them at the same time. What she needed to do was to address one of them and deal with it before she moved on to another one.

In this blog I write about about choices and the need we sometimes have to make different choices to improve our lives. But, what do we do if there are many areas in our life that are causing us problems. We have to do what I explained to that mother. We have to take one at a time and put our primary focus on making choices that will improve that aspect of our lives.

You may wonder how we know which one to address first. There are two schools of thought. One is to deal with the one that seems easiest to resolve. Success in that area of your life will give you a sense of accomplishment and motivation to attack other areas. The second approach is to deal with the one that will give you the greatest overall success. Which one of your problems, if you resolved it, would provide you with the greatest benefit? Perhaps that is the one with which to be begin.

I can’t tell you which approach to take because I don’t know your situation. You do, so this is a decision you need to make for yourself. You may want to bring in other persons you trust to help you make that decision. That might be a friend, your minister, a counselor or a coach. As I have shared in this blog before, I have coached a number of people who were dealing with issues in their lives. If you think I might be able to help you sort through this, I do have room for a few coaching clients.

What you don’t want to do is to allow your problems to keep attacking you and doing nothing about it. That choice won’t make the positive changes in your life that you are seeking. Choose to do nothing, and those problems will only get worse. Choose to make the necessary changes to eliminate those problems, and your life will improve in that area. Remember . . .choices have consequences.

Embrace your future

Several years ago I used to attend motivational conferences that often featured Zig Ziglar. In my opinion, he was the master motivator. I have several of his books in my library and used to own a series of cassette tapes he had on goal setting. One of my favorite Ziglar quotes is that we have to make peace with our past and make friends with our present so we can prepare for our future. I've shared that message in many sermons and conferences I've led because I know it is so true.

As a pastor I met many people who were held in the grip of their past. In some cases, they had experienced much abuse and pain growing up and even in their early adult years. Their past held them captive as much as if they were in a prison. Some had given up. Any present difficulties in their lives were blamed on their past. They always had a reason why they could not escape their past experiences. It is very hard to help people with that mindset.

Equally challenging are those people who believe their current situation is the best it will ever be. Perhaps they are doing very well and believe it can't get any better. On the flip side are those whose current situation isn't very good but believe the same: it won't get any better.

To the first group who are doing well I would remind them that things can change rapidly. People used to tell us that "If it ain't broke, don't fix it." In other words, leave things alone that are working. I would challenge that. I think a better plan is, "If it ain't broke, break it. It will be obsolete soon anyway."

Look at what happened to Sears, J C Penney and many other brick-and-mortar stores. They are failing, or gone out of business, because they refused to recognize a new business model was making their model obsolete. The same thing happened to Kodak when digital cameras took over the market and to the Swiss watch makers when they failed to recognize that quartz watches would take over that market. Today those companies are under even more pressure due to the popularity of Apple watches. In 2019 Apple sold more watches than all the Swiss companies combined.

What is true in the business world is also true in our personal lives. Entire jobs are disappearing and being replaced by new ones. It is likely that people entering the job market today will one day be doing jobs that didn't even exist when they began their careers. Fund managers regularly switch investments for their clients into new ones that will outperform their old investments. Change occurs in every area of our lives. These changes often occur rapidly making it important that we remain flexible.

To the second group, it's important to not believe that where you are today in your life is where you have to stay. As I wrote yesterday, you don't have to remain stuck where you are. The information from reading one book, one phone call, taking one class, one more interview can change your life. It's important that you don't give up and believe you have to accept being stuck. You don't!

Ziglar's words are true for both groups. Make peace with your past no matter if it was good or bad. You can't change the past so accept it for what it was and move on. Make friends with your present. It's where you live right now, but whether its good or bad, don't make it your permanent dwelling. Prepare for the future because that's where you are going. Embrace it and take the steps necessary to make it the best possible life for yourself and those you care about.

What are your priorities today?

One of the most important choices we make is what we will do each day of our lives. You may think that decision has already been made for you. You will get up, go to work, do whatever until you go to bed, and then you'll get up and repeat. That is what too many lives look like. However, even accounting for the hours you are working, you still have a lot of time each day to do with as you please.

Time is like money. You can either spend it or invest it. Spending time is just that. We do things, but at the end of the day we have little show for it. We've been busy, but we haven't accomplished much. The other alternative is that we invest time. By investing time I mean that we do things that truly matter. Those are the things that reflect the priorities we have established for our lives.

So many of us really don't have any real priorities for our lives. There's nothing we really want to accomplish so we spend each day going through the motions looking forward to Friday and the weekend we'll be away from work. That's not much of a way to live 50-60 years of our lives.

Before I retired I set certain goals each year that I wanted to achieve over the next few months to the next few years, and I determined that each day I would work on at least one of those goals. Some were rather aggressive that required a lot of focus and commitment on my part. Others were less aggressive and were things that could be accomplished fairly quickly and easily. But, they all kept me focused and gave me purpose. I could not afford to waste time if I wanted to accomplish the goals I had set. Those goals formed my priorities for living each day of my life.

Those goals gave me the focus I needed to earn two graduate degrees and publish eight books. They enabled me to get out of debt and save towards retirement. Those goals reminded me of the important of spending more time with my family setting aside date nights each week with my wife and taking vacations together. In short, that goal-setting is what allowed me to accomplish much of what I've done in my life.

There are a number of things you have to do to live out the priorities you have set for you life. Perhaps the most important one is that you have to control your calendar. If you don't own your calendar, someone else will, and their priorities for your life won't be the same you have. I made sure my priorities found their way into my daily calendar before opening it up to anyone else. That meant our weekly date night was written into the calendar weeks in advance so I could tell anyone who wanted to meet with me at that time that I already had a previous appointment. When working on my educational goals I set aside time in my calendar for reading as a great deal of reading was required for every class. Every goal was programmed into the calendar, and each of them were tracked on a daily basis to ensure that I was not falling into a bad habit of spending time instead of investing it.

So, what are your priorities today? Are they priorities you have set for yourself or are you trying to fit your life into everyone else's demands and priorities? Is it your priority to work on your goals for the day, or are you going to help everyone achieve their goals? You get to choose that every day, but, like all choices, there will be consequences.

You don't have a problem

Somewhere I read a statement that has helped me more times than I can count. The statement was, "You don't have a problem, you have a decision to make." That is so often the truth. We get stuck worrying about problems when the reality is that we don't want to made a decision. We want somehow for the problem to go away without us having to make a tough decision, but it seldom works out that way. We remain stuck as long as we refuse to make the decision, and then we find out we have to make the decision anyway.

Like many of you this past Memorial Day weekend I watched some old military movies. One that I watched is also one of my favorites. As a Navy vet I enjoy watching Midway, a movie about how the US Navy defeated the Japanese Navy at Midway. Each side was deploying their best strategies, and the outcome was based on who had the best strategy, but it also depended on who made the best decisions. One of the scenes that jumped out at me in my latest viewing of this movie was when  Admiral Nimitz had to decide whether or not to send his remaining aircraft carriers to Midway or hold them back to protect Hawaii and the west coast of America. In the movie, he doesn't hesitate but orders them to Midway. Now, I don't know how historical this scene is, but what impressed me was his willingness to make a major decision and act upon it. Lesser individuals would have sat around and worried about a decision of this type.

No one wants to make a bad decision. I get that. But, we also can't allow problems to fester while we refuse to make a decision either.

If you find yourself  stuck worrying about a problem you may need someone to help you think through the best possible solution to the problem. I have found that often we already know what we need to do about the problems that worry us the most. It's that we don't want to make the hard decision to go ahead and resolve the problem. When we find ourselves in that situation, we need someone to help walk us through the problem so we can identify some possible solutions. That might be a spouse, a pastor, a friend, a coach, a consultant, a mentor or someone else you trust.

When I was working on my doctorate my project was to coach a number of pastors to determine if coaching could help them address some of the issues surrounding ministry. Six people were selected from across the US and each of them were given six coaching sessions over a three month period. They were allowed to identify the issue each coaching session would address. We were able to successfully resolve several of the issues they presented in that short period of time by focusing on solutions rather than the problem. As a coach, I helped them identify possible decisions they could make that would resolve the problem. We then identified intentional steps they would take. In some cases, problems that had been troubling them for extended periods of time were resolved within weeks. Each of them were required to write a short paper on the impact of the coaching they received on their lives and ministries which would be included in my thesis. All six of them stated that their coaching had been highly beneficial.

Perhaps you are struggling with a problem that has caused you a lot of stress and, maybe, some sleepless nights. If you think a coach could help you resolve that problem, feel free to contact me. I do charge a fee for my services, but you'll find that my fees are less than what many coaches charge. I ask for a three-month commitment to begin with as it takes that long to really establish a relationship between the coach and the person to be coached. There's no commitment required beyond the initial three months. The agreement can end there or can be extended if additional coaching will be helpful.

You don't have to live your life stuck. Your problems do not have to identify you or limit your future progress any longer. Many have found coaching to be helpful to move on in their lives. You may find that to be true for you as well.

Lifelong learning

While serving as a judicatory minister one of my fellow ministers told me one day he had never seen anyone more committed to lifelong learning that I was. I guess he may have been right. I've spent much of my life attending college and graduate schools and more seminars than I can remember. While many people go to college and even get advanced degrees, they do so in order to find employment. I was working full-time while earning every degree. I never attended one class in order to get a job. I attended those schools and earned those degrees to better myself, to grow personally so I could be more effective in the work I was already doing.

I sit here typing these words looking at the walls in my study lined with bookshelves that are filled to overflowing with books. Seven bookshelves in total that are literally overflowing with books, and that doesn't include the ones I've sold or given away over the years. They are another testimony to my commitment to continue learning as long as I live. I'm retired now, but I want to keep on learning and growing. So should you.

In case you haven't noticed, the job market in the US is rapidly changing. Some 20 million jobs are lost or restructured every year. Some tell us that the typical individual entering the job market today can expect to have about 11 different full-time jobs in his or her working lifetime. To believe you can get a degree in some field and spend the rest of your life working using the knowledge you gained during your four years in college is a fantasy. Even if you kept doing the work you were trained to do, it will change many times during your working career. As I often say, job security is gone. The best we can hope for is employment security, and that requires one to be flexible and knowledgeable.

Lifelong learning is a critical component for employment security. The more you know, the more skills you've mastered, the more likely it will be that you can find a job if the one you have now disappears. This doesn't mean you have to spend years in formal education. You can gain a lot of knowledge by attending seminars and conferences, asking questions of successful people in fields in which you are interested, by reading good books, and being inquisitive. You may be surprised at how something you learn at some event that has nothing to do with your current career can come in handy down the road.

I grew up on dairy farms. We raised corn and soybeans, baled hay, and raised tobacco in addition to milking cows twice a day. It's been many years since I plowed a field and even longer since I milked a cow, but I still use things I learned back then as a kid. I learned the value of hard work, the importance of refusing to quit when things got difficult, and the importance of being a person of my word. I use what I learned back then nearly every day of my life.

The average American will read four books a year and studies determined that 25 percent of Americans did not read even one book in 2017. I wonder how much they are learning and how prepared they will be when they are forced to seek other employment. Mark Cuban reads for three hours every day. Warren Buffett spends about 80 percent of his days reading. Bill Gates reads an average of 50 books a year. None of these billionaires has to read another book the rest of their lives. But they do because each of them are committed to being a life-long learner. They choose to read because they have chosen to continue to grow.

Each of should make the same choice.