The need to forgive

One of the most important decisions that any of us can make is to choose to forgive someone who has harmed us. It's also one of the hardest decisions many of us will have to make. Forgiving those who have hurt us deeply is never easy. Even to suggest doing so brings up a host of painful memories and triggers a lot of negative emotions. That in itself is enough to indicate how important it is that we forgive.

Medical science tells us that unforgiveness can cause a lot of problems. It can raise our blood pressure and lower our immune system. Unforgiveness can elevate our heart rate and increase the risk of depression, heart disease and diabetes.  When we refuse to forgive it can increase our anxiety levels and cause us to lose sleep. It can cause digestive issues. Research also finds that these issues can worsen as we get older. Someone has said that refusing to forgive someone is like drinking poison thinking it will kill the other person. Chances are, your unforgiveness won't bother the other person at all, but it can cause you a lot of serious consequences.

You may argue that the individual doesn't deserve forgiveness, and you may be right. Many people have been deeply hurt by those they trusted. It may well be that they don't deserve to be forgiven, but your unwillingness to forgive them is allowing them to hurt you again. You are giving them power over your life once again. You are enabling them to destroy your health and well-being. They are still in charge of your life, and you can not experience the future you could because the past continues to hold you captive.

As a Christian I am reminded of how much God has forgiven me. I am further reminded of the scripture that tells us that if we are not willing to forgive others, God won't forgive us. I know what my life was like before I invited Jesus Christ into my life, and I know He was willing to forgive me of much. How can I not forgive others when they have hurt me?

Perhaps you are not a person of faith. You need to forgive anyway. The problems listed above is sufficient reason to forgive. Who wants to do that much damage to themselves by refusing to forgive someone?

How does a person forgive? Dr. Karen Swartz from the John Hopkins Hospital says “It is an active process in which you make a conscious decision to let go of negative feelings whether the person deserves it or not.” We choose to forgive so we can move on with our lives.

It's important to talk about our decision to forgive. That may or not be with the one you are forgiving. If that person is no longer around or is not a safe person to talk to, you may want to talk about this with a counselor, a pastor, a spouse or a close friend. Hearing yourself verbalize your forgiveness helps settle it in your mind and heart.

What about forgive and forget? The reality is that you are not likely to ever forget the wrong that was done for you. Sometimes when you forgive you may be able to rebuild a relationship with that person. With others, it's best to avoid them especially if they are dangerous or toxic.  In either case, you probably won't forget what has occurred in the past, but because you have chosen to forgive, you have released the past so it can't hurt you any more. Now, you are ready for your future.